I WATCHED INTERNET PORN FOR THE FIRST TIME AND HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED

Title: My Wet Pussy Enjoyed Getting Fucked By Two Massive Dicks

Platform: Pornhub

Ok. So real talk: the first barrier to entry for me for ‘internet porn’ is the fucking internet itself. Who wants to get all cozy on the couch, glass of wine in hand and then have to find their laptop, pull it out, figure out the power situation, close a bunch of browsers and then search for Porn Hub? Guys. I'm a Luddite. AND I’m lazy. Isn’t there a Roku channel for this? I want to lay on my bed and just not think. Also, laptop porn was definitely made for dudes. You only need one hand to pull a dick. My lady parts require more dexterity—two hands at least—that’s w/o any ‘additions’ mixed into the picture.

I know you guys are thinking: “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO WATCH ON YOUR PHONE.” Well, I can’t even get iTunes to work properly on my phone and haven’t been able to download a new app for like two years so don’t @ me.

I’m old.

I’m stubborn.

I miss VHS.

The second barrier to entry: this homepage.

First: who looks like this?? GAWD I miss 70s porn And look, my lady parts have been through some shit. I see all the up-close penetration I need to see at my weekly gyno appointments...

I do love the categories though! Cartoon!!! Like smutty Saturday mornings! Also, what is “Hentai”? And “creampie?” Guys. My friend was right: porn really HAS changed since 2003.

Ok. Choosing ‘babe’ which seems like maybe it’s going to be the perfect porn sweet spot in my Venn diagram of movie star and Kate Moss fashion story?

Going with this one, which has good lighting (gotta start somewhere):

WAIT WHAT??? IT’S IN RUSSIAN??? WITH SUBTITLES??? Is this Film Forum? No. Nope. Thank U Next.

Choosing threesome I guess? I’M SO OUT OF MY ELEMENT HERE!!

Wait… is this amateur? I can’t tell!

The lighting is bad. And it looks like rent-a-furniture. They are also definitely recording this from someone's uncle's basement in Long Island. GUYS. PORN HAS GOTTEN SO BAD!!! At least all their bodies look real? Plus five on that one. I’m on board.

The audio is good, which I’m grateful for.

But also, everyone is so hairless...

This is what their dicks look like to me:

This position seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen. Also: socks?

Ok. This porn is only 6 minutes long and I’ve had to fast forward three times.

They finally climax and it’s… ok? One of the guys loses his hard-on at the end which seems like they aren’t fulfilling some sort of contract with me. Two dicks; two money shots. End of story. I did appreciate that the filming was so bad that there weren’t all those macro shots of assholes and lip folds. I’m good at anatomy lessons. Also, there was no dialog beyond the occasional ‘Oh shits!’ from the dudes, which I also appreciated. Why belabor the fact that you can't act?

All in all, I would say this was not too traumatizing and mediumly sexy. I give it...

3.5 Hemsworths

A solid score— even if it's the first piece of porn I've watched in nearly two decades.

There you go, guys. My first foray into Internet Porn.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. Until next time...

Xo