THE REAL GUIDE TO RAMADAN
Art by Julian Naing for Loyal Nana
SEHRI:
Sehri, or Suhoor, is the meal eaten by Muslims before sunrise during Ramadan. When you’re younger and your parents wake you up at 4 am to make you eat an entire plate of rice and chicken and then pray Fajr and then go to bed, it feels like it was all just a fake dream that gave you real heartburn when you wake up for school in the morning. As you get older, you realize it is easiest to stay up until sunrise by watching videos of otters swimming or people fighting on public transportation. You could be a good person, go to bed early, and eat the perfect meal for Sehri - something with the right amount of carbs, protein, and vegetables. But my advice? Stay up until 4 am and watch all three of the Rush Hour movies until your eyes are bloodshot and then eat a tub of hummus with Tostitos Hint of Lime Tortilla Chips or cold, leftover gyro in the dark. Who can stop you?
IFTAR:
Iftar is the meal you break your fast with at sunset. I love Iftar because it gives you a set time to eat your first meal every day so you have a nice couple of hours left to be depressed before bed. It is a free, daily buffet where it is acceptable to eat your entire body weight in piaju. If you’re a mom, stick to the script and loudly complain afterwards about how no one helps you with the housework and everyone will finally care when you die. When your kids ask if they can help clean up now, make sure to passive-aggressively say it’s fine and you were “just talking to Allah”. If you’re the eldest daughter in an immigrant household with a flair for drama, start a fight with your father during your fifth piaju after he makes comments like "What is an English 'major'?" "Don't you already know English?" and “Please just go to law school.” If you’re a younger sibling, steal your sister’s credit card from her purse during the fight so you can buy some awesome games for your Nintendo Switch - thankfully she’s in debt anyway and won’t notice. If you’re a dad, succumb to a zen-like state after the argument by imagining the calming sensation of fifty flashing red boxes on the CNN screen that say BREAKING NEWS. Just relax, Don Lemon will be on at ten and you will be OK.
ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING YOUR FAST:
Sometimes at the beginning of Ramadan my body involuntarily takes me to Dunkin’ Donuts in the morning for an iced coffee with almond milk and veggie egg white omelet on those circular multigrain breads. They’re not even good, there is just something about circular breads that hypnotizes me and I can’t stop myself. Your body is used to a certain routine - don’t beat yourself up when you find yourself in a trance facing that beautiful display of donuts "freshly baked" four days ago.
BREAKING YOUR FAST ON PURPOSE:
Hey, I’m no superhero either. I understand. Just hide the eerily perfect circle of breakfast sandwich in your back pocket and place the iced coffee in an upright position in your bag while you walk into the house so it doesn’t spill - don’t stop for small talk with your mom and keep insisting that you’re not acting weird, you just need to go to your room right now and MOM PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE ok thank you.
ON GETTING YOUR PERIOD:
Remember when your brother said “What’s Bridgerton?” “Oh, that’s what it is? Looks really bad.” Time for revenge. Noisily eat his favorite snack one foot away from him when he’s fasting and studying for his dumb MCAT. Even though you think Takis are gross and you’re starting to feel sick from eating the whole bag as a performance, it will all be worth it.
HOW TO PASS THE TIME:
Fasting in Islam is meant to create empathy for the less fortunate and allow you to practice self-discipline. Donating money, food, or other material goods is called "Zakaat" - one of the five pillars of Islam and especially encouraged during the month of Ramadan. Hopefully, you are all seeing your family and friends, reading the Quran, and praying Taraweeh at night. Here’s some other stuff you can do to pass the time:
Get really into the British Reality TV Show “Wife Swap”.
Watch your eyebrows grow out for 29 days (Must get them done before Eid).
Do “pranks” like being a good person and using your money to buy your grandma yarn because she loves knitting sweaters for humans and stuffed animals.
Go on Indeed. Get a job!
Proudly announce in a four paragraph long Instagram post your “departure from the toxicity of social media” on a Wednesday night and then reactivate on Friday morning.
Read all 916 pages of the 2016 edition of the food science textbook “Indigenous Fermented Foods of South Asia”.
Start a lemonade stand during the day. You’ll never waste your product because you can’t have any.
Watch hour-long cooking videos of food you’ve never thought about making before this month. You know you’re not going to bake your own croissants and that’s ok.
Rachel Dolezal deep dive.
Look in the mirror and say “My name is Kevin Hart and I WORK HARD!!! That pretty much sums me up!!! Everybody Wants To Be Famous But Nobody Wants To Do The Work” over and over again for hours as an affirmation.
It’s OK If You Can’t
The elderly and the sick should not be fasting, as well as people menstruating or traveling. Pregnant/breastfeeding mothers can choose whether they want to or not. It is really important to note that those with mental illnesses and eating disorders are exempt from fasting. Unfortunately, there is a lack of understanding and empathy for this in our communities, but remember that not being able to fast because of a health condition does not make you any less Muslim. Trust your own judgment on how you feel, and the days you feel unable to fast will be OK. You can still recite the Quran, pray, use tasbeeh, and do Zakaat. Your friends will support you, and if you would like to talk to a muslim anonymously about how you’re feeling, contact the Muslim Youth Hotline for mental health support, seven days a week: https://myh.org.uk
It’s ok if you can’t fast - and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.
I hope that my tips can help you with getting through the rest of Ramadan. Dunkin’ Donuts do not sue me for my comment on your donuts. Stay tuned for my guide to Eid, in which I will give you tips on navigating living room conversation with both sides of your family with confidence, and how to pee when you’re wearing a sari.